(3.3 min read – 578 words)

That’s my beautiful wife, Crystal. After 14 years of being married to her and studying God’s written Word, I’ve come to observe that romantic relationships have four levels. Each is built upon the others. I’d like to share these with you today. Wherever you may stand with a significant other, you’ll discover something today to help.

1. Connection – The introductory level of any romantic relationship begins with connection. This starts with common interests and attraction. God is the ultimate matchmaker. He orchestrates the connection of His children together. Then comes:

2. Conflict – Conflict is normal, especially early on. God purposes friction to sharpen relationships (Proverbs 27:17). At best, conflict promotes connection by smoothing out each other’s rough edges. At worst, it causes distancing and separation. The difference lies in whether we see conflict as being helpful or harmful.

Conflict and unity are not mutually exclusive. Both can co-exist together. By separating the problem from the person, the problem becomes its own entity. The resolution then takes on a team-based approach. It uses words like “we” instead of “you” to maintain unity and develop a solution. The other differentiator is that conflict is a head matter while unity is a heart matter.  For example, when you can kiss your spouse at the same time you disagree with them on what to watch on TV, you’ve achieved the double win of unity and conflict.

Conflicts typically arise when expectations are not met. The cause is either they were not clearly articulated in the beginning (you didn’t know your spouse did not want kids), or they were not understood or adhered to later (they keep forgetting to take the trash out).  The best way to prevent surprise conflicts is to clearly communicate what you do or do not want out of the relationship as early as possible.

How do you see conflict? Have you clearly stated your expectations with your significant other?

3. Complement – Good relationships are built on complementary traits. This level of romantic relationship is achieved by leveraging your significant other’s strengths against your weaknesses and vice versa. Many times, what is complementary may seem contradictory. For example, I am quick to start projects but not finish them. My wife on the other hand is slow to start but loyal to finish. I think in terms of vision – what the future holds. She thinks of strategy and tactics – the practical steps to get there. I’m the accelerator and she’s the brake. Our strengths are both complementary and necessary to safely drive our marriage forward.

4. Covenant – The highest level of a romantic relationship is a covenant. A covenant is a binding promise undergirded by an unshakeable commitment to each other. On earth, this is marriage. In Heaven, it is the covenant God made with Jesus on our behalf. The marriage covenant was the first formal relational institution God created for man. God has authorized specific blessings within the marriage covenant that do not exist in any other earthly relationship. It is in the context of the covenant that true love is most supremely expressed. The Kingdom reality of the Bride (the Church) and the Groom (Christ) teaches us this truth.

There are three parties to every romantic relationship: The husband, the wife, and the relationship itself. When the various levels of connection, conflict, complementary strengths, and covenant are combined, it enhances the qualities of all three parties together. It’s a win-win-win-win approach.

Which are you currently strong in? Which levels do you need to lean into?