An open system

God designed all life forms on earth to need feedback loops to live and grow.  This means they are meant to function openly.

As open systems, you and I are sustained by regularly receiving external inputs. For example, the moment we close ourselves off from the inputs of water, food, and air, disfunction and death begins to set it in.

To thrive relationally, we also need outside inputs.  The moment we close off from receiving it is when our relationships start to malfunction.

Sometimes getting feedback from others can be painful, which is why we often like to avoid it.  This is especially true when it comes from a loved one.  As it’s written, “faithful are the wounds of a friend..” (Proverbs 27:1).

How to create a strong feedback process

How can we move past our natural proclivities against feedback and start thriving in our relationships?  Below is a simple & biblical process to apply:

Step 1: Take inventory – list the key relationships you have.

Step 2: Ask for feedback – Asking honest and probing questions initiates the process.  It also communicates to the other party their importance to you.  Here are some examples:

Ask your children: How am I doing as a father/mother?

Ask your spouse: how am I doing as a husband/wife?

Ask your employer: how am I performing?

Ask your church: how am I serving?

Ask your team: how am I leading?

Ask your siblings: how am I doing as a sister/brother?

Step 3: Lean in and listen. When we go against our natural reaction to pull back and simply lean into the feedback while listening intently, our capacity to receive it expands.  But, “whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery”. – Proverbs 29:1.

Step 4: Write it down. Documenting feedback is critical. It allows us to uncover patterns which may span multiple relationships. It also allows us evaluate ourselves against it on a regular basis. It’s easy to revert back to our old ways when feedback is no longer at the forefront. I personally keep a rolling list of feedback.  I document the person, place, and time of the feedback and what corrective actions I should consider taking.  Then, I look for trends across various relationships.

Step 6: Follow-up – returning to the person to close the loop is key. The goal is for actions taken to close the gaps.  Key question: were your actions effective at bringing change?  If not, why?

Step 7: Repeat 1-6 regularly – regular feedback is needed to continuous growth.

Apply these steps and you’ll begin to see your relationships truly flourish in the days ahead.